Hi. It's been a while. Long story short, over the summer (two summers ago) I was out of work and I got bored and started a blog. In August I got a job, yet promised my friends and family that I would continue writing said blog (this one). A friend and regular drinking buddy (yes, one can be a drinking buddy but not a friend and vice versa) has ended nearly every encounter we have had with, "Can't wait to read the next blog post!" I had begun to respond with I was thinking of making it quarterly, giving myself credit for the two previous posts as I was approaching 6 months since my first post. Then the wife got a new job on the other side of the country. I had to look for a job again while working 2 others. I was over due on the third quarter. Rather than make it a triannual publication (thus making this the most unfollowable blog in history) I hid and hoped everyone forgot about me. Alas, I have decided to make a resolution. As I am in a strange place with few friends and only rarely communicating with others due to wife-imposed isolation, I will post at least 12 times this year. That's right, we're going monthly (duodecannual? Why not?). Onwards...
It may or may not surprise you that one of the most entertaining (or infuriating, depending on the situation) things about being married to a mathematician is their insanely vast ineptness at basic arithmetic. Nowhere is this more evident than at a restaurant. I cannot quantify the number of times I have been at a restaurant with anywhere from one to twenty mathematicians and the check came. There is always an unmistakeable look of confidence on their faces. They say to themselves, "I am a mathematician. I can divide this check!" I will not go as far as to say they always fail. They don't. But they often do. Out come the pens. There are requests for extra receipt copies for more writing space. Calculator apps become involved (ne'er a calculator watch. A man can dream...one day). There are in depth discussions involving the quantities of consumption of shared dishes and pitchers. Whereas most people slightly overestimate their contribution and call the extra part of the tip and graciously accept a portion of the excess if necessary, a table of mathematicians require exact figures. I have seen requests for extra coinage so that one may not feel slighted that they did not receive the correct change. I have 2 examples to show, as I see it, the two types of check division that I have witnessed on multiple occasions:
Example 1: I went dinner with a dozen people, nine mathematicians and 3 significant others including myself. This was a pizza restaurant with waiters and taps. We ordered 4 pizzas of equal size and of nearly equal value, the meat and more complex pizzas being slightly more expensive. 4 pitchers of beer were ordered, one type of pitcher costing a dollar more than another. Each diner ate more than one slice of pizza and most had more than one type although some stuck to one type due to dietary restrictions. Check time!
Attempt #1: All asked by some to recount the number and types of slices eaten. (Fill up back of check with scribbling). Individual slice cost tabulated for each pizza on second copy of check. Math done. Both copies of checks passed around to check for errors, of which, there are many. Attempt scrapped.
Attempt #2: Divide total evenly. Math done in 2 tries. Argument ensues over the fairness of some having to pay slightly less because of their consumption of pricier pizzas. Attempt aborted.
Attempt #3: Divide pizzas and diners into two classes, expensive eaters and non-expensive eaters. Math done. First try! Wife, bless her, says, "but Mary and I only had 1 beer!" Attempt 3 modified. Wife, oh sweet lord, says, "Wait, but Jeremy's wife didn't drink anything." Jeremy's wife had hidden, wisely, this fact. She had a coke. Coke not on the bill. Waiter questioned. Attempt #3 fails.
Attempt #4: Check removed from mathematicians by significant others. Mathematicians made to hand over requested sum and shut up about it. 30 minutes have passed and people are waiting for the table. Waiter visibly frustrated. 25% tip given.
Example 2: I worked for tips at one point so if I don't give you 20% I'm fairly pissed at how you treated me. I, for the second time in my life, decided that we should tip a waiter 10%. The bill is $88. I asked my wife to leave the tip. I watched. It took her 2 minutes and two tries to find the correct figure in her head. (she will argue the time, but can't argue the tries)
